Sin Worth the Penance Read online

  I smiled and started walking. But what a way to go.

  Chapter 14

  Killian

  After a restless night’s sleep, I decided to vacate my bed and watch the sun rise above the Celtic Sea.

  I’d had a dream about Jo. It was like the night she told me we were going to have a babe. I was closing The Pint Well-Taken, and she knocked on the door. She was trying to tell me something through the glass, but I couldn’t understand her. I tried to open the door, but I couldn’t get to her. I was so upset, angry and sad…overwhelmingly sad. But she smiled, and I could read her lips. She put her hands on the glass, and I matched her. Then she said, “It’s okay.” I woke up vexed and wondered all night about what she could mean.

  I was still scratching my noodle over it as I came downstairs in the predawn murk. Something caught my eye as I crossed the floor, a shadowy lump on the bench outside the front window. I squinted at it.

  A dash early for a delivery, ain’t it?

  I wondered which of our vendors would do that. But as I got closer, something didn’t look right. It didn’t have the straight lines their packages would have. It was…curvy. Someone was sleeping on the bench. I chuckled, trying to remember who was buckled enough last night to have to sleep it off on a wooden bed. I unlocked the door and slid out. Whoever it was had their jacket over their head to keep out the light. Then I saw the pink cast.

  What the hell?

  I must have made too much noise with my keys because she jumped and let out a cry of pain. Concerned, I crouched in front of her and helped her to sit. The jacket remained draped on top of her. I lifted it off. Her hair was a bloody mess. I had to smile. “Good morning.”

  She blinked, rolling her shoulder, which I’m certain was sore. “What are you doing up?”

  “Uhh. I think the real question is, what on Gawd’s green earth are you doing sleeping outside on the bench?”

  “I….” She looked about. “Umm…I wanted to get to work early. Been missing my pay. So…aye,” she trailed off. I stared at her, and she shifted her weight. “It was a bit earlier than I thought.”

  “Mmm.” I frowned.

  Her jacket slipped from her lap, and I scooped it off the ground to put it on the bench, brushing her skin in the process.

  “You’re freezing.” I plucked the coat up again and draped it around her.

  She hunched her shoulders to shimmy deeper into it. “Aye. It’s cold.”

  “Aye. That’s why most people choose to sleep indoors.”

  “How did you sleep?” She was clearly trying to change the subject.

  I exhaled. “Like shite, actually. But at least I was in a bed.”

  She tried to stand, but pushing to her feet with her cast was difficult. I took her shoulders to help her, then tried to rub the chill away from her arms. Her pants slipped, and she scrambled with her one hand to hold them.

  “I…I couldn’t get ’em…” She made an attempt to shimmy them back up, scowling. “Damn it!”

  “Here, let me help.” I kneeled and wrestled with the button. “How’d ya get these on in the first place?”

  She chuckled, holding her shirt higher so I could see better. “It was murder. Had to take me a half-hour just to get my legs in. I actually needed to stop and rest before trying to get them up.”

  I grinned at the image, then nodded at her. “Did good with the T-shirt.”

  She flipped her disheveled hair proudly. “Thanks a million.”

  We became aware we weren’t alone. Turning to look, we caught Mr. Hennehan, the grocer from next door, staring at us with wide eyes. Seeing as I was kneeling before her with my hands practically down her pants, her hair a wreck, I’m sure we were quite the sight.

  Bridey snickered.

  I let on everything was normal. “Good morning.”

  He stared.

  “I was just—”

  “I don’t want to know.” He wrestled his key into the door and disappeared without another word.

  Bridey fell out, bending in half as she laughed.

  I chuckled, too. “Knock it off or you’re going to ruin my sterling reputation.” I meant it in jest, but I forgot about our conversation of the night before.

  She straightened and looked off to the side, blinking rapidly.

  “Bridget, I didn’t mean to—”

  “No. No. It’s all right.”

  But she wasn’t making eye contact.

  I’m such a moron.

  I finally got the button through the hole, but struggled with the zipper. “I…shouldn’t have said that. It was dense of me to joke about something like—”

  The grocery door squeaked open, and Mr. Hennehan stepped out with a broom.

  I huffed. “Were ya needing something, Mr. Hennehan?”

  He shook his head rapidly and went back in.

  “Why the hell is he here this bloody early?” I muttered.

  “He’s always here this early.”

  The zipper finally went up. I struggled to my feet and placed my hands on her shoulders. “Bridget, I—”

  “What were ya doing?” she said rapidly.

  I furrowed my brow. “Huh?”

  “I mean,” her eyes darted about, “what were ya doing up this early? Where were ya going?”

  “Oh. Uhh…” I rubbed my neck. “I was going to…take a walk, on the cliff.”

  “Oh. That reminds me.” She dug in the pocket of her jeans. “I was walking on the strand this morning.”

  “In the dark? With a cast on your arm?”

  She shrugged. “I needed to think.”

  “Ya could have fallen in the dark and hurt yourself and had no one there to help ya.”

  “Aye. I guess that could have happened. But I found this.” She held out her hand. In it sat a small gold disc. “Is it yours?”

  The blood drained from my face. She held my wedding ring. “How did ya—?” My throat was dry. She gave it to me. “Where did ya find this?”

  “I was tired. I’d been walking for a while. Normally, I would sit closer to the water, but I needed to go near the rocks so I had something to help lower myself. I lost my grip on the rock and I ended up grabbing a handful of sand to keep from falling and…it was in there. I read it. It…has your name. Doesn’t it?”

  Jo had it engraved.

  Killian-Here’s to a lifetime of toasts. I do with you. Today, Tomorrow, Always.

  I closed it in my fist. “Aye. It’s mine.”

  She looked away. “I’m glad I found it for ya then. I think I’m going ta just go home and throw myself down for a speck.” She tried to move around me, but I stepped in her path.

  “You never answered me.”

  She hunched her shoulders. “About what?”

  “Why did you sleep out here?”

  “I….” She exhaled. “I lost my mind, all right? I…I couldn’t take it there no more.” She wiped her brow then lowered herself back onto the bench. “They were there. Everywhere. I couldn’t get them out of my mind.”

  I squatted again and took her hand. “You were scared.”

  She peered out over the empty street, pressing her lips together, then dropped her head and nodded several times. Tears fell on our intertwined fingers.

  “I want ya to stay here with me tonight.”

  She swiped at her face. “No. I can’t do that.”

  “Why the hell—”

  She lifted her gaze, raising her voice and cutting me off. “I won’t have anyone talk ill of ya.” Regaining control, she said more quietly, “They can talk about me all they want, but…it would kill me if people thought less of you because of me.”

  “I don’t care what they think.”

  “You say that, but ya never….” She brushed her fingertips along my jaw. “You’re such a good man, Killian, that ya never gave anyone reason to talk about ya. You don’t know what it’s like.” She lifted then dropped a shoulder. “Folks—folks who you respect and who ya thought actually cared for you—they treat ya li
ke an object. They hear stories, they think less of you, and suddenly they want to…ehh.” She lowered her head. “They want to use you like ya allowed others to use you.” She looked up. “The bottom line is, it was my fault. I let it happen. People had every right to treat me the way they did. It just…hurt. It hurt that they cared less about me as a person. And I won’t let that happen to you.”

  I sighed and sat next to her. “There has to be a solution to this.” She remained quiet. “You stay here, and I’ll sleep at your place.”

  She took my hand and squeezed it. “So kind. Always so kind.”

  “Or…maybe Deir’ and Paddy could move back to their old house with Deegan and Calee.”

  She arched her brows. “And their brood? I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone a pair whom I care for more than almost any others.” Patting my arm, she added. “No. It’ll be all right, Killian. It was my first try.” She got to her feet. “I’ll do better tonight. And the night after that. It’ll simply take a wee stretch of time. That’s all.”

  So, I walked her home that night and came home by myself. As I took my clothes off for bed, I ran across the ring in my pocket and marveled it was found at all, and found by Bridey? The way it was found? When she wasn’t even searching for it? As I was drifting off to sleep, a thought occurred to me. My dream the night before—could Jo have been telling me everything was all right because…she approved of Bridey and me? The idea seemed as farfetched as the fairies…but a lot of folk still believed in them….

  Bridey was right about needing time to overcome her fears. Although she never let herself get caught again, I think she spent a few more nights on the bench. But after a month or two, she’d conquered painful memories, like she had in the past, and made her home hers again. With each passing day, she grew healthier, more robust, and less fearful.

  Although a constant struggle, I kept my passion for her in check. Forcing myself to be satisfied with a stolen kiss here, a subtle touch there, a teasing remark, a lingering glance, and a heavy dose of my imagination about what it would be like to finally be together. But when the day came for her cast to come off, I found myself thinking about being with her nonstop, and the wait became excruciating. I’m embarrassed to say we hadn’t even left the hospital parking lot before I had my hands all over her.

  As we got to the car, I’d glanced around before opening her door for her, and seeing no one in sight I took advantage of the moment.

  “Why don’t we see how we fit together without yards of fiberglass—or whatever they make those things out of—between us?”

  She smiled and lifted her newly freed arm to play with my hair as we kissed. “Mmm,” she murmured. “I’d say it’s a brilliant fit.”

  “Perfect’s more like it.” I pressed her against the car eager to feel the way her soft curves met my body.

  I guess I got a bit carried away, though, as she pushed me off. “Killian,” she glanced about. “We’re not exactly in private.”

  “You’re right.” I didn’t let her go. “I guess I’m anxious to be with you unencumbered.”

  Her voice softened. “We have plenty of time, love.”

  “You’re right.” I sighed and released her.

  Everything seemed fairly normal until we got close to town. I slowed as we neared her gaff. “Should we stop at your place? We have time before work.”

  She looked out her window. “Uhh…let’s just go into work. I can’t wait to serve tables without my cast getting in the way.”

  I wriggled my eyebrows at her. “I’d like to see how ya did…other things, without the need for a cast.”

  Her smile dimmed. “Do we need to rush?”

  I’ll admit it. I was hurt. “No. I suppose not.” A heavy silence followed. The first we’d ever experienced. Had there—unbeknownst to me—been more than a cast between us? Maybe I read everything wrong. Maybe she loved me, but wasn’t interested in a relationship of a sexual nature. But images of passion-filled, breathless moments from the past weeks cascaded in my mind. I was almost certain she wanted to be with me as much as I did her.

  We pulled into Paddy’s spot at the pub. I shut off the engine, but didn’t get out. If we didn’t talk about this, it would be eating away at me all night.

  “Bridget, uhh…” I turned to face her, looping my hand over the back of the seat. Then it dawned on me. Maybe I was treating her just as others had. As a sexual object. But I knew it wasn’t only some sort of animal craving that was possessing me. I wanted to share that oneness with her. It was as much about my heart as my body. But after what she went through…who could blame her if she didn’t want to ever lie with anyone again? I needed to know where we stood. If she wanted something more…platonic, I’d need time to wrap my mind around it. It wouldn’t change the fact I wanted to share our future together, but…in all honesty, adjusting my thoughts along those lines would be a tremendous challenge.

  I played with her hair, already suffering a sense of loss for the intimacy that I’d anticipated. “Ya know I love ya, right?”

  “Aye. And I, you.”

  Good start….

  “If I misread things between us…if you’re not ready,” I glanced toward the horizon as a means of collecting myself. I couldn’t look her in the eye and say this out loud. I needed to hide whatever sense of loss I had so as not to make her feel guilty. “…or not desirous of an intimate relationship with me, I need to know.” I put my hand on her shoulder. “I want to be honest with you, that is something I desire.” Greatly. “But if that’s not what ya want, I will….” I thought about whether I could promise this to her, and I knew I could. If it was what she wanted. “I will do my damnedest to let that idea go.”

  “Oh, no,” she cried. “I want that, too, Killian. I do. It’s just…I want to do things right this time. You and I…we’re too important to me for me to take the chance on screwing this up. I want time to…try to make myself at least somewhat worthy of making love to you.”

  My heart ached for her. “Bridget, darling. You are more than worthy.” Over her shoulder, I saw Deirdre approaching. I closed my eyes and pulled back, gripping the steering wheel. “Deirdre’s coming.”

  “Oh.” She sighed. The car door opened.

  Deirdre’s bright, cheerful voice drifted to me. “How’re ya keeping? Did ya get it off?”

  Bridey got out. Slowly, I did the same.

  “Aye, no cast.” She waved her hands.

  Deirdre clapped. “Oh, thankgodandhisholymother!” She drew Bridey into an embrace. I sighed and rested my arms on the roof of the car, my chin on top of them, placing my foot on the bottom of the door frame. Deir’ raised her gaze to me then looked at Bridey again. “I wasn’t interrupting anything, was I?”

  “Oh, no,” Bridey quickly answered. “Were ya needing the car?”

  “Not at all. I was running next door to Mr. Hennehan’s. Our order was shorted of tomato paste, and I need some for the shepherd’s pie tonight.”

  “Oh, I’ll run and fetch it for ya,” Bridey offered. Clearly, our conversation was finished. I stepped away and closed my door, strolling around to their side.

  “Well, now. That would be a blessing.”

  “All right. I’ll be back before ya know it.” She turned to me. “We can talk later. All right?” she said softly.

  I bent to kiss her cheek, but couldn’t find my voice, so I nodded.

  It would be a long, long night.

  Chapter 15

  Bridey

  It pained me to deny Killian. Aye, I was finding it hard to forgive myself for the sins of my past. I needed to speak to someone. A professional. I wanted to make this work. Wanted it more than I dared to want anything in my life. But Killian was just so good and kind, generous, self-sacrificing…in a word, he was the best man I’d ever met. And next to him, I felt dirty and wrong.

  And the worst of it was, I longed to be with him as much as he did with me. Longed for him to touch me, to lie in his arms, to meld myself to him, hea
rt, body, and soul. To give to him all of me.

  But I gave myself to other men before. Many other men. But, that was only my body.

  Still, to taint him, stain his perfect name, that would be completely selfish of me, wouldn’t it?

  I jumped at the chance to get away from him when Deirdre called out. But I was only putting off the inevitable.

  Thus my thoughts were occupied as I entered Hennehan’s Mercantile.

  I didn’t even bloody ask how many cans of tomato paste she needed.

  I stared at the shelf. I knew she only added a few teaspoons to give the gravy that nice tang. Would she only want a few, to get her through to her next order? I finally decided to get two and return for more if necessary. I spun with my cans and he stood halfway down the aisle. I recognized the lookout man from the night I was assaulted. Beyond his shoulder, I saw the tall one. He restrained Mr. Hennehan with a gun to his temple. The poor man’s eyes were shut.

  My gaze shifted to the man in front of me again as he approached me.

  “Well, well. Bridey. It’s Bridey, isn’t it? It’s been a while. Arm’s all better, I see.” He gritted his teeth. “For now.”

  I reacted without thinking. I threw one of the cans at him and whirled to run in the opposite direction. I heard it hit, followed by a slew of curse words. Pure terror hurtled me forward, my heartbeats tripping over each other, sweat flowing from every pore.

  “No!”

  I managed to round the corner before he barreled into me, slamming me against the front store window. I frantically searched the street. It was midday. Surely, someone would see me and call the guard. One of his hands was squeezing my neck, cutting off air. The other was around my chest as he dragged me backward. My feet slid on the linoleum and, try as I might, I couldn’t find purchase. Getting me behind some shelving, he threw me against it, then needed to duck as cans tumbled down from the shelf above me.

  “Ya stupid bitch,” he spat. Apparently the tomato paste can caught him right above his left eye, as a gash was opened there, a bump already building. He banged my head repeatedly against the shelf. “Didn’t ya learn anything from the last time we kicked the shite out of ya? Huh?”